All By Myself…

Fairley Rachel

London, 2013.

Ah, London. That infectious hive of continuous energy and buzz. Tall, steely buildings growing into the sky; solid, knowing their place and looking down as the city breathes life below. Everyone moving with a purpose, knowing where they need to go, which tube stop to get off at, which streets not to roam. Electric, organised chaos.

Zoom in on me: alone in the Big Smoke, wearing the wrong shoes and carrying far too many “city essentials” in my overly jazzy/trying-to-be-edgy backpack. After declaring myself sufficiently lost, and trailing the same three streets for what feels like hours in London’s sticky summer sun, I finally bumble through the main doors of The Cambridge Theatre with minutes to spare. The usher looks at me with that all-too-familiar disdain (theatre ushers of The World, I’m with you) as he waits for me to produce a rather crumpled ticket from the depths of my…

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fifty//three

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to be alone can be peaceful, free from the pressure of sociability

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bairns

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paris, i miss you my friend

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manipulation

96/365—-21//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 96days.

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ill

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symmetry, this an empty room, although i’m in it so not empty

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a bloke with a printer

93/365—-18//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 93days.

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toilet humour?

92/365—-17//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 92days.

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other peoples art, in the case my friend niki’s

91/365—-16//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 91days.

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low

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my city

89/365—-14//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 89days.

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a wee (free) shoot at an acting workshop, the actor in the photo was the highlight very talented and convincing

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erm?!?! fish!

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the backs of things

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never doing stuff for free, while doing everything for free!!

85/365—-10//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 85days.

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i’m trying to limit my alcohol in take, but people have started paying me in units! first payment for nicki and i’s photography business!!

84/365—-09//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 84 days.

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sometimes my life feels inflexible, hard and unyielding. i think i want to be somewhere else, anywhere else…not here…over there…in the green grass

83/365—-08//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 83 days.

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Old and unhappy, I’m unhappy living like this,
feeling ugly and tired,
Jaded inside, I’ve tried hard to make it better,
I worked hard to find some peace, but at best it’s only fleeting,
I can’t last much longer like this.
Is there a new life at the end of some journey?
I’d like to think so.

82/365—-07//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 82 days.

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a local town for local people

81/365—-06//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 81 days.

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home comforts are few and far between

80/365—-05//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 80 days.

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when walking through the ‘valley of shadows,’  a shadow is cast by a light

79/365—-04//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 79 days.

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walking at the speed of a moving floor

78/365—-03//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 78 days.

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it took a lost weekend, in a hotel in amsterdam, double pneumonia in a single room, and the sickest joke was the price of the medicine, may i please laugh along with you?

77/365—-02//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 77 days.

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i know why i take photographs – because i can, but i don’t know why i keep them. once when i was in my teens i was called by a girl who made out she fancied me but she never said who she was and i never recognised her voice. the call lasted 20 minutes or so, we talked about everything and nothing, i never heard from her again

76/365—-01//12//2016—-fifty//three years and 76 days.

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i had a dream of being enveloped by the sea, it was cold but inviting, water always appears powerful silent and unforgiving. i often cant hear it even when standing so close that my feet are wet

75/365—-30//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 75 days.

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five years ago i began a journey, i reached a cross roads and chose this path in the hope it would lead me to happiness. it never did. so i’m at another crossroads and i’ll go this way…

74/365—-29//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 74 days.

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i’d rather be underground

73/365—-28//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 73 days.

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chores that can wait

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grey dawn

71/365—-26//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 71 days.

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no gain

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a new dawn

69/365—-24//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 69 days.

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pink

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trees have it easy

67/365—-22//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 67 days.

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always had a fascination about people walking by things

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clarice?

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winters here

64/365—-19//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 64 days.

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merch

63/365—-18//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 63 days.

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punk rock

62/365—-17//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 62 days.

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music//martin stephenson and the daintees

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harry papadopoulos

60/365—-15//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 60 days.

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other peoples art

59/365—-14//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 59 days.

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even beauty has darkness

58/365—-13//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 58 days.

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trying to make sense of it all

57/365—-12//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 57 days.

57

70 cities as love brings the fall

56/365—-11//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 56 days.

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we are the dead

55/365—-10//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 55 days.

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a duel of personalities, that stretch all true realities

54/365—-09//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 54 days.

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sometimes i look at my pictures and wonder why i took them

53/365—-08//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 53 days.

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pity the poor US citizens faced with worst choice in history

52/365—-07//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 52 days.

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here in my car, i know i’ve started to think, about leaving tonight, although nothing seems right….in cars

51/365—-06//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 51 days.

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skeleton

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sometimes just waking up gets me down

49/365—-04//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 49 days.

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art//fractured

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pink

47/365—-02//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 47 days.

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music//pj harvey, is this love that i’m feeling?

46/365—-01//11//2016—-fifty//three years and 46 days.

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Sometimes life goes by so fast its easy to lose sight of whats important.

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open spaces essential for the thinking

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music//Brix and the Extricated

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i fear the future.

42/365—-28//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 42 days.

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inspiration

41/365—-27//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 41 days.

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i had a conversation tonight with my friend,  i spoke of my long term memory problems, i never spoke about it before at least i don’t remember speaking of it

40/365—-26//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 40 days.

forty

food//comfort eating III

39/365—-25//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 39 days.

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this what i imagine the inside of my brain looks like

38/365—-24//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 38 days.

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Out Dining//Ruth

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behaviours and consequences

36/365—-22//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 36 days.

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Gathering//Friends & Family

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there is possibility that this is the last thing i will ever see

34/365—-20//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 34 days.

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my life, scrunched up masking tape, wrinkled and sticky!

33/365—-19//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 33 days.


sometimes the edges get blurred

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…of a demented circus clown…

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thirty_onethese are the hands….

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friends//niki

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social media is a bizarre mistress.

28/365—-14//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 28 days old.

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killing time

27/365—-13//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 27 days old.

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music//

“I’m the dark and you’re the sun
And there’s a haze right between the trees
And I can barely see you
You’re an ocean in between the waves”

The War On drugs: An Ocean in Between the Waves

26/365—-12//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 26 days old.

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music//admiral fallow

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“…whilst finishing a chore, I asked myself “what for”

24/365—-10//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 24 days old.

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food//comfort eating II

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What goes on in that place in the dark?

22/365—-08//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 22 days old.

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friends//kathryn

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Friday night zombies.

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twenty

P.M. The commute home.

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ninteen

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eighteen

food//trying to be healthy, eating badly only gets me down. eating healthily alone isn’t much better.

17/365—-03//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 17 days old.

seventeen

Single.

16/365—-02//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 16 days old.

sixteen

Lazy

15/365—-01//10//2016—-fifty//three years and 15 days old.

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Running is everything.

14/365—-30//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 14 days old.

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Exercising!

13/365—-29//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 13 days old.

thirteen

My nemesis.

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Wednesdays

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friends//brian & steve

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ten

Living life at the speed of time.

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Running back to happiness.

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Sharp dressed men.

7/365—-23//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 7 days old.

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Breakfast for one.

6/365—-22//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 6 days old.

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food//uncomfortable eating

5/365—-21//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 5 days old.

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friends//carol

4/365—-20//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 4 days old.

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Food//comfort eating.

3/365—-19//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 3 days old.

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If music is the food of love, eat jammie dodgers.

2/365—-18//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 2 days old.

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…after all is said and done, only one remains.

1/365—-17//09//2016—-fifty//three years and 1 day old.

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Beginning my fifty//fourth year in the company of the the most important people in the world.

The happiness of our children outweighs everything, letting them know they are loved and admired for the people they are is the only gift parents have to give them.